Topic: Chimpanzee

MMA fighter Cole Johnson claims he has been offered money to fight a wild chimpanzee in a foreign country and eventually a polar bear with a sword. Johnson describes a "game plan" involving slamming the chimp, while the hosts mock the idea as suicidal given the extreme physical strength of primates. The segment highlights the absurdity of "D-level" internet content and concludes with Rob Dew's sign-off for the holiday weekend.

The hosts play a clip from Fox News debating whether chimpanzees should be granted legal personhood and the right of habeas corpus. Dvorak dismisses the story as "monkey business," arguing that animals are legally considered property or "chattel." They mock the attempt to extend human legal protections to non-human species.

A viral story about chimpanzees being released from a lab after 30 years is revealed to be a PR stunt for the 2012 Disney Nature film "Chimpanzee." The hosts trace the story back to Michael Aufhauser, a millionaire PR specialist, and argue that major news outlets are complicit in airing "heart-tugging" stories that are actually movie advertisements.

Reports from the New York Post detail the alleged sexual assault by Dominique Strauss-Kahn on a 31-year-old hotel maid. The incident, which reportedly involved Strauss-Kahn emerging naked from a bathroom to accost the staff member, has drawn comparisons to previous allegations against Al Gore. Strauss-Kahn has faced similar accusations of aggressive behavior in 2002 and 2008, leading to his reputation as a "chimpanzee in heat."

A scientific study reveals that male chimpanzees frequently trade scraps of meat for sexual favors from females. The hosts jokingly suggest this story might be a plant by the meat industry to counter negative press regarding global warming. They compare the behavior to modern human marketing tactics, such as beer commercials that link product consumption to sexual success.